Eating Disorders 1

Today, I would like to take ownership of my eating disorders.

I say disorderS because I have several ones :

1. Emotions have a negative impact on my eating. When I feel sad, disappointed or angry. I eat a lot of “bad” things (following my own definition of bad). The problem here is the link between my emotions and food. This is clearly not a good mindset.
2. My definition of what is good and what is bad is way too strict. Although running near 50km a week, I still try to limit myself to way too less carbohydrates intakes. I try not to eat bread. I try not to eat sugar. I try not to eat too much cereals, … My relationship with food is biased. It is no more natural. I calculate all the time and have long inner-monologs before making a decision (based on my day, last day, future, …).
3. I feel like an imposter. Because everyone think I have an healthy life and diet where I don’t think so.

So, today and borrowing words of “Jokko”, I want to take ownership of these problems.

The first think I want to do is take my responsibilities and share my emotions/eating accidents. I want to do it. Publicly. Because I feel guilty and shamy doing that. I would like that knowing that the future presentation of my day accident will make me feel guilt and shame prevents me from having the accident.

Next, for not knowing really how to eat, I will tackle this problem as I always do. With erudition. I will study and pass a healthy/natural nutrition course and exam.

Hopefully these two solutions will resolve the third point by themselves.

My today’s accident

Today, I had a very bad night, I slept 5 hours and didn’t feel quite well in the morning. So I ate bread with roasted chicken as a breakfast. Bread is not very good in the morning. A little too much carbs and not enough protein.

After a quick nap in the afternoon. I felt a bit disapointed, not understanding what my sweet love wanted of me. So I ate vanilla biscuits. I ate 6. Than botter biscuits. Then bread.

I feel shame and guilt. This reaction was not rational. I knew all the way that I would feel guilty but I was “blocked in a destructive behavior”.

Now that I write this, I realize this is not so so bad. I will not become fat in one day. I will not become addict to sugar again (if we can say I stopped to be) in one day (a big fear for me). I have to put it into perspective.

Taking ownership of my shame will make me evolve.